I battle with insecurity. This year I have looked into the mirror and I have stared long enough to contemplate the reflection staring back at me. Writing a book has been about that process and I am finding that is convenient to not look at all and instead guard an image where I control what others get to see. Yet as I stop and stare, the reality is that I am still wrestling with me.
Richard Foster writes that “the fear of being alone petrifies people. Loneliness is inner emptiness. Solitude is inner fulfillment…” This year has been about solitude and by not turning away from my reflection I have acknowledged deep rooted themes about my life where the insecurities staring back at me cause me to squirm.
Revisiting the events of my past is liberating, but it is also frustrating. In the book of Ecclesiastes, I am reminded how there is nothing new under the sun and what is will be again. It is disheartening at times to view my life in this circular motion. Does it always have to be this way? And will I always struggle with insecurity? After so many years of learning and teaching, one would think I would be more of an expert in trusting God and having the faith that He is in control, but the truth is that the ugly existence of my doubts and anxieties remain.
I am asking difficult questions that reveal answers I don’t want to take into consideration. For example, is speaking sometimes used to make me feel important and good about myself? Do I step onto a platform to prove myself that I am somebody? Do I often loose sight of the gifts and talents God has given me? Yes.
Writing the story that God has entrusted me with is mentally exhausting and painstakingly slow. And out of all of this, the most important question to ask is do I trust God enough with my life to the point where my reflection is not so concerned about my image, but rather solely focuses upon who God sees me as and how He is molding me into the person He wants me to be.
I am reminded over and over again that if I can hold onto who God sees me as, I am free. He created me to simply be. It comforts me knowing that I can live a life unhindered because of God’s love and what Christ has done for me. I need to trust. God is moving.